For three days hubby did not
return home not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived, had been trying my best and putting up with
her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling
to throw up and I simply have no appetite for food, coupled with all the events
happening at home, I was at the low point in my life. Finally a colleague said
"LD, you look terrible, you should go and see a doctor". The doctor
confirmed that I'm Pregnant, now that became clear to me why I threw up that
fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news.
Why didn't hubby and mother, who had been through this before thought of the
possibility of this being the reason that day?.
At the hospital entrance, I
saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked
haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave but one look at him and my heart
softened, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and
finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me. He has that
disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not
to look at him anymore and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong
urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I'm having your baby!"
And have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted
didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down, Why? Why
our love couldn't withstand the test of one fight?
Back home, I lay on the bed
thinking about my hubby and the disgusting look in his eyes, I cried and wet
the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of drawers opening woke me up. I
switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was
removing the money. I stared at him in silence, he ignored me, took the bank
deposit book and some money and left the house, maybe he really intends to
leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear cut in love and money matters.
I gave a few dried laugh and tears started streaming down again. The next day,
I did not go to work, I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with
hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said,
"Mr Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital".
I stood there in shock, I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby,
mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was
expressionless, I looked at mother's pale white thin face and I couldn't
control the tears in my eyes. My God! How could this happen?
Throughout the funeral, hubby
did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at
me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other
people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed towards the
bus stop apparently intending to go back to her old house, back to the
countryside, as hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried
to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her. I finally understood how
much hubby must hate me. If I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not
quarreled, If. . . , in his heart I am directly the killer of his mother.
Hubby moved into his mother's
room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him, and me, I'm
buried under the guilt and self pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to
explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time
I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth
just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and
thorough scolding, though none of these events happening had been my fault at
all.
Many days of suffocating
silence went by as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The
deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't
know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart. One day I passed by a
western restaurant looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl
sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I
understood what it meant, after recovering from that moment of shock, I entered
the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear
in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him and there is no need to say anything.
The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby
stretched out his hand and stopped her, he stared back at me challenging me, I
can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of
death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood there any longer, I will
collapse together with the baby inside me. That night he did not come home, he
had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me; following mother's death so
did our love for each other.
He did not come home anymore after
that, sometimes when I returned home from work, I can tell the cupboard had
been touched he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to
call him, the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished, I lived
alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again
every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical
examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I
told them No, I will not, I insisted on having the baby, perhaps it is my way
of repaying mother for causing her death.
One day I came home and I saw
hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette
smoke, on the coffee table, there was this piece of (divorce) paper. I know
what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of
living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at
him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign" , he
looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes just like mine. As I hang up my coat,
I keep repeating to myself "you cannot cry, you cannot cry" my eyes
hurt terribly but I refused to let tears come out from there. After I hung up
my coat, my hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tommy. I smiled, walked
over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking
at what it says I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD,
are you pregnant?"
Since mother's accident, this
is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and
they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave
now". He did not go, in the dark we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly
moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far
away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember
how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought
that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front
of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have
drawn such deep scars in each other's heart, for me, its unintentional; for
him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation
but I realized now what had gone past is gone forever and could not be
repeated. Other than the thought of the baby inside me, that would bring some
warmth to my heart, I'm totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he
buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him,
from the moment I signed on that paper, marriage and love had vanished from my
heart. Sometimes hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in,
I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's
room.
At night, from his room I can
hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick, last
time whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find
out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten
that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but
now, what is there between us?
Hubby's groaning came on and
off continuously and I continuously ignored him. Almost everyday he would buy
something for the baby; infants products, children products, and books that
kids like to read, bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full.
I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me but I'm no longer moved by
his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear him
typing away on his computer, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing. But none
of that matters to me anymore. It was sometime towards the end of the spring in
the following, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain,
hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep and had
been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a
car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow,
throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he
carried me and hurried into the delivery suite, lying on the brink of his
skinny but warm body, a thought crossed my mind; in my lifetime, who else would
love me as much as he did? He held the delivery suite door open and watch me go
in. His warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction
pain.
Coming out of the delivery
room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes filled with tears of joy and he kept
smiling, I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at me smiling and
then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain. He
smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I
would never shed any tears for him, but the truth is, I have never felt deeper
pain cutting through my body at the moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby
discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a
miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first
discovered he had cancer, Doctor said about 5months ago and consoled me saying
"prepare for his funeral", I disregarded the nurse's objection and
rushed home. I went into his room and checked his computer and a suffocating
pain hits me. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5months ago, his groaning was real
and I had thought that . . .
The computer showed over 200
thousand words he wrote for our son: "Son, just for you I have persisted
to be able to take a look at you before I fall, its my biggest wish now . . . I
know that in your life you will have many happiness, and maybe some set backs,
if only I cab accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But
daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the
possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime. When
you meet with these problems you can refer to daddy's suggestion . . . Son,
after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you
through life's journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother,
she has suffered, she is the only one who loves you most and also the one who
loves me most. . ."
From play school to primary
school to secondary school to university, to work and even in dealing with
questions of love, everything big and small was written there, Hubby has also
written a letter for me, "My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness,
forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my
illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival
of our baby. My dear, if you cried, it means you that you have forgiven me and
I would smile, thank you for loving me. . . These presents, I'm afraid I cannot
give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him
every year? The dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging. .
."
Going back to the hospital,
hubby is still in coma, I brought our son over and placed him beside him. I
said "open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the
warmth of your arms. . ." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak
smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air.
I pressed the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through
the air as tears slowly rolled down my face. . .
A fatal misunderstanding and
the person who loves me most in this world is gone forever. . . .
"Cruel misunderstandings
one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our original
intends of having mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining
years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a
price. Everything became TOO LATE"
This is a true story; Moral
of story: "Do not hold on to offences"
IF YOU WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT,
YOU MIGHT WANT TO PAY ATTENTION TO THIS. Based on a 2,000
calorie diet:
Egusi Soup
Ewedu Soup
Oiled or Roast Corn 
Most people have a
misconception about fruits, they feel they can take as much as they want,
forgetting it also has its own calories!!
Shocking but true, what do one do
then? Moderation is the key word!! And
of course exercise, here are the list of some fruits common in our environment
and their calories too!!
